Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I went to WW this past Saturday to face the scaley monster, and it breathed it's fire on me - showing that I gained weight. However, it was excepted because I paid no mind to what I put in my mouth. I had come to grips with the consequences of my decisions, determining my mind and my heart to do better. After that moment, i'd thought no more about the error until this morning.

I went to my trainer's house to do a morning workout - and because we didn't workout together Monday, and forgot about it yesterday...She took our measurements today. As she began to measure the various places...she simply asked why I had eaten so poorly the week before. It was the first time in the 2 months that we have been working out together that I heard disappointment in her voice. And it broke my heart.

The once forgotten lapse in judgment was now at the forefront of my mind, breaking my heart to know that those decisions cause the disappointment. Because of this, these mental and/or emotional blocks, today's workout was stressful for me. I was frustrated, quiet, and when asked what was on my mind...i refused to answer because I didn't want to lose the battle against the lump in my throat.

If you haven't noticed already, I'll tell you. I am sensative and emotional. I feel things deeply, things effect me harder. When I am upset or angry, I become quiet and withdrawn. These are neither positive or negative in and of themselves, but if left unchecked...can be either. I am reflective, but with that comes the tendancy to beat myself up over many things (which may or may not be my fault).

In short, I'm me: the good, bad and ugly. Working hard today to run with perserverance this race, and to throw off all that holds me down.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Judgment Lapse

This past week was a rough one on the scales. I gained 3.5 lbs. Even though I was working out, I was making really bad food choices, not really paying much attention to WW points. For about 3 days, I simply didn't care what went into my body. I wasn't drinking enough water, had too much coffee, sweets, and other delectibles.

I know that this race we're running is multi-facited journey, with lots of terrain changes. Sometimes it's a straight-away. It's low impact, breeze blowin, sun just coming up over the horizon. We're just poundin away at the pavements, not really thinking about what we are doing. Sometimes, it's downhill. A little more thought intensive: try not to speed up, and sit back a little more to keep pressure off of the knees. Still low impact, and makes us think we are not working as hard. But sometimes, it's an uphill battle. This, i think, is the most mentally draining phase of our race. More energy is used, strides have to be longer, we try not to drop out head and shoulders. Muscles burn, lungs burn...sometimes eyes burn from tears - trying to train the brain to obey. But even amidst this choas, this is the phase where we learn the most and triumph.

I take full responsibility for my lapse in judgment this past week. No one else shoved chocolate into my mouth...I did it all by myself...i'm a big girl! But, here is something that I observed. At night, when I'm really tired - I tend to not really care what I put in my mouth...and I want to eat all the time. Solution...GO TO BED!!! Also, when I'm home by myself, i tend to want to eat to pass the time...Solution: Go outside, to a coffee shop, to the lake...something other than sitting at home.

Life is NOT easy, and those who think it is...aren't truly living!

Let us (you and me) run with perserverance this race of life that has been marked for us - and throw off EVERYTHING that holds us back.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Rough Patch

So, after the eye-opening discoveries revealed in the last blog entitled "Heart Breaks" - I went through a really rough patch. My body seemed to shut down. I was tired ALL THE TIME, and I just didn't want to do anything but sleep. Then my body forced me to do just that - buy giving me a temperature of almost 102 for 2 days. I'm sure you can infer that morning work outs went out the window.

I have almost completely turned my lifestyle around 180 degrees. After 5 and half weeks, my brain and my body had had enough. I think that true rest is just as important in the exercise routine as the exercise itself. And I think that true rest is different for everyone. There is the kind of rest that your body needs everyday - Sleep. If you dont' have enough sleep, your body winds down and becomes unproductive. There is also rest for the mind and rest for the spirit. Rest for the mind, could be as simple as laying on your back gazing at the clouds, mindlessly feeding ducks at a local pond, watching a fun movie with a friend...activities that really don't take a lot of thought.

Spiritual rest is found in Matthew 11:28 where Jesus says "Come to me, you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." There is nothing like being able to just sit in the presence of Jesus and No expectations or demands, no time constraints. Just enjoying who we are in Him. All three are absolutely necessary for success.

I will admit - during my rough patch...I rebelled a little. I was frustated with myself for even having gotten to this point where such a drastic change was necessary. I couldn't understand why, when I was making such good choices, was my body doing such weird things. But I think, for me, it was a see how committed I really was. The days when I was in bed with the fever - I was not committed AT ALL!!! I just wanted to sleep. But what showed the great mental change for me - was that I got back on track, picked up where I left off, and continued training.

I'm sure another time will come...when I get tired and/or sick, and don't want to work out or make good choices. I hope, however, I will be a little more ready and will go for a small walk before I collapse in bed for the remainder of the day. :)

We (you and i) can do this. Let us run with perserverance the rest marked out for us, and throw off everything that so easily keeps us down.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Heart Breaks

On Friday, March 5th...I went to a huge Christian concert at our civic center here in Tallahassee. It was fantastic! However, many things were happening in my heart. Let me share -

This journey of weight loss and healthy living has not been easy, but it has been wonderful. I have learned a lot - especially about myself. I love to "people watch" and as I was sitting in the stadium-style seating at the civic center (quite comfortably for the first time that i can remember)- I was doing just that. As I was scanning the crowd, a woman caught my eye. She was overweight, and beginning her ascension of the stairs from hell. Her head was down, lips tight and with every step...her face contorted in pain. She held onto the railing, trying to pull herself up the stairs in order to find some release from the pain in her joints. I tried not to, but I couldn't help but to stare. The next thing I knew...tears were trickling down my face. I was that woman 6 weeks ago. My heart broke and wanted to scream - "it doesn't have to be this way..."

No pun intended, but there is a heaviness that comes with being overweight. I'm not talking about the physical kind, although that does have a lot of effect on what/how we do things. I'm talking about the emotional and mental heaviness. I think we often feel like failures because we know we got ourselves into this mess, and feel helpless because we can't see a way out. We feel shame about what we've become - and how our bodies look and move; embarrased that we cant glide up and down stairs, or sit in chairs without "tucking" ourselves in. When we look in the mirror...those thoughts are magnified.

Not to mention the conflicting signals from society we get. The entertainment industry depicts "Be thin, or your nothing," while the majority of Americans are significanlty overweight...even dangerously so. Infomercials use already thin and fit people in their ads to entice to use their product...but I, as the viewer who needs to lose over 100 pounds, think to myself..."There is no way i could do that, or look like that." We see before and after photos side-by-side, never hearing about the journey inbetween.

For me, it's not the before and after I really need to hear's the struggle inbetween. It's the days that i don't want to get out of bed to meet with my trainer, or the days when the weather is cold or damp and it makes my knees ache, it's the days when I gain on the scale or can't finish a work out and have a breakdown...Those are the defining moments. Do I keep pokin' along or stop altogether because it's hard and painful?

You've made it this far in my blabbering - please stay for just a bit more. You and I...we are stronger than we know. God, Himself, created our inmost being. GOD!?! How could we not be strong?!? We are part of who He is. We are amazing and magnificant beings of value and worth. Please be encouraged. We are doing this journey together.

To the woman at the civic center on Friday, March 5...I saw you, and you moved my heart. It doesn't have to stay this (we) can overcome it all!

Let us (you and I) run with perserverance the race marked out for us and throw off everything that so easily stands in our way.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Weights and Measurements

I have debated since I started my training whether or not I wanted to disclose my weights and measurements. The main reasons that i didn't want to was because I was ashamed and afraid of judgment or ridicule. I have decided that those are not really Godly reasons. Romans 8:1-2 says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." and Galatians 5:1 says "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Because of these 2 verse...I must get over my shame and fear - they have no place in a life devoted to Christ. So...

The heaviest I've ever weighed... 326 (Jan 1, 2009)
The weight I started WW at... 316 (Aug 1, 2009)
Weight before 3 month gap at WW... 303 (Nov 7, 2009)
Weight at Doc. Appt in January... 311
Weight after 3 weeks with Trainer... 303.2 (Feb 20, 2010)
Weight after 4 weeks of training... 306 (Feb 27, 2010)

Measurements coming soon...

Small Set-back

In conjunction with working out, I'm also going to Weight Watchers (WW). I've tried WW before, and they have really revamped their program. I personally think it's the best out there, a nutshell, it helps you to prioritize foods by assigning points. The foods that are good for you are lower in points, while the foods that are not-so-good for you have a higher point value.

In a totally honest moment here - I've not been very good about keeping track of the points I eat each day - for no other reason than laziness. I must do better if I'm to truly be successful.

In November of last year, I stopped going to WW. First it was because the week led to 2, 2 weeks led to 4 - and before I knew had been 3 months since I'd been to a weigh-in or meeting. In that 3 month span, I caught a pretty nasty cold and had to go to the doctor. When they weighed me - I had gained 11 pounds. I had been working with my trainer 3 weeks, before I went back to WW - and hand lost the 11 lbs.

Here's the set-back...when I went to WW this past Saturday, I had gained 2.8lbs. I can pinpoint the gain to several things, a few of which were not in my control...but the majority were. Such as...portion sizes and 2nd helpings...these kill me. My brain tells me that I actually need more to be satisfied than I actually do. Another thing that I think resulted in the gain was not eating breakfast. I had been eating breakfast faithfully every morning, except for last week, when I ran out of my peanut butter crackers and string cheese. Good reason? NOPE! Exuse? You betcha...but an honest one.

For the first time in my 29 years, exercise is not the issue (thanks, Coach!). So, here is my committment: I will track my food and point values today through friday. Saturday, I'll weigh in. Then the goal will be to track my points 4 days a week to start. I'm sure that people will think that this tracking is cumbersome - and it might be...but it is a great step in becomeing fully aware of oneself and what exactly goes into the body. We can do this!!

Let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us, and throw of EVERYTHING that so easily entangles.